Hi Dave, Hi Nick: I'm free xxx

With my extensive tabloid experience I can confirm that this morning I sent Davey C and Nicky baby my application for the currently vacant position of Head of Communications at 10 Downing Street.

Obviously, as part of the application process I put forward a number of reasonable and intelligent strategies that in my opinion will help the Coalition get the public onboard at this difficult time.

My main proposals are:

·        End duty on alcohol.

·        Declare war on Wales.

·        Hang Thatcher.

I am convinced that with these strategies in place the whole country can move forward, as one, together. So come on guys, what do you say?

Um – guys..?